I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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