3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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