A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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