if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
