I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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