Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
