She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
