Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
