my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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