I didn't shave. On purpose
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
