hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
