Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
