i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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