i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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