I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
