he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
