you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
