Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
