I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
