We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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