tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Randomize
