Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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