Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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