Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
