I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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