Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
