I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
