I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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