This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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