I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
