I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
