In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
