I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
