you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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