I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
