It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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