One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
