An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
