While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
