girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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