Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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