this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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