Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
