Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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