Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
