dude i'm inner monologue high
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i believe in u and ur pee
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
