He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
