New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
