hotel room ftw
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
