Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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