I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
