i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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